Horizon of hope

In one day my life as I knew it would never be the same, and in a really big way. My husband, the father to my baby, This life we had created together, worked so hard for cried tears and fought for… just gone. No warning, just gone.
I know so many people in the world are experiencing this right now. Their entire life has just been swept away…. Having to create something new, when your grieving something so big. Grieving a life you weren’t ready to be done with. It’s such a lonely and sad process. It’s a shitty place to be. It’s the darkest coldest hole in the ground.

I think we all go through hard times.. times of sadness, loneliness, deep pain and grief. I think it’s important to remember you are not alone. Sometimes it feels like your alone because it’s your personal experience, it’s your life.
Your life is the one that came with 24,000 jigsaw pieces and that puzzle you fought for, cried for and worked so hard to keep together came crashing down right before your very eyes. Stripping that dream you thought you had away from your very fingers. The pieces of your intricate puzzle went everywhere and you’re now left to find them and figure out where they belong. They will wait patiently for a warm hand to pick them up again. Those pieces won’t ever be quite the same as they once were, but piece by piece they will start to form something beautiful.

I’m just starting to pick up a few of my pieces and it’s hard. They are heavy and I have to mourn each piece for what it was and how it used to serve me. I will eventually find a new place for each piece. As I enter into this process and truly experience it for what it is I honor each and every piece I pick up. I send love and thank you’s to every single one for giving me what I had and hope that it will serve me in a new way.

In this dark lonely scary place I am so grateful for such an amazing family to be there for me to make my burdens a little lighter and to help me through every step of the way! I don’t know where I would be right now without my people. It’s the only way I am surviving.

My heart goes out to and aches so deep for the millions of people who have lost their worlds in an instant. We all have to bind together in this trying time. There is no time for small drama, the world is going through something so major and it’s important for us to stand strong. I have seen so many amazing people helping and doing everything they can to help strangers, especially in my own life. Nothing makes me happier then to see this kind of beauty and love happening.
The horizon offers promise of a new day. As the sun dips, Every morning it rises again. Thank you all for the love you have shared to me, and across the world. There is hope, happiness love and beauty and you are not alone.

18 thoughts on “Horizon of hope

  1. Beautiful Ashlee, I have been following your story closely my brother Patrick went to school with you so I heard about your story in the early stages. You mentioned that you did not want to be fake in a post, you are not fake everyone of your post has touched me. My spouse left to get some help with his personal issues the same day Paul was found. In some small way I can relate to your story. Much love to you and your daughter. Katrina

    And how cute is this…. What Does the Poppy Flower Mean?
    For many cultures, the Poppy is a symbol of:
    Restful sleep and recovery
    Consolation for a loss or death in the family
    Remembering the fallen of various wars and armed conflicts
    A lively imagination
    Peace in death
    Messages delivered in dreams
    Resurrection and eternal life
    Beauty and success
    Extravagance and luxury

  2. My husband and I lost our two month old baby girl, Brynn, just four months ago, very quickly and unexpectedly as you describe. I saw your story shortly after on Instagram and because Poppy reminded me so much of her, I couldn’t help thinking to myself, ‘what if I had lost my husband instead, but still had Brynn?’ I realized that hole would be just as dark and cold as the one I was in, and my whole heart ached with you. If anything, my loss has helped me be able to feel the pain of others, both a burden and a gift, and has opened my eyes to the tragedy in this world. But when you notice the tragedy, you can’t help but cling to the beauty for dear life like it’s all you’ve got, because it is.
    Sending you love and hope, Ashlee, we can never have enough- until we can be with them again. I hope your Paul finds my Brynn, it looks like he could be great company to a baby girl. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Others are needing them more than you know.

    1. Karalyn this brought tears to my eyes! Thank you so much for your beautiful words. You truly don’t appreciate what you have till its gone. And I agree with you! Empathizing with others grief is something that has come from the pain. I hope that paul and Brynn are up there laughing and keeping each other company. I can’t imagine the pain you have felt loosing a child. So much love to you ! We’ve got this! 💪🏼

      1. You are both amazing and such positive powerhouses. I can’t imagine either; however, Ashlee, your story is so right on. Other people’s pain is our own. We all hurt and mourn and grieve. And we are in it together. Alone-Together.
        Gathering so much encouragement and strength from you, Ashlee & hoping to send some right back at you girl!

  3. Wow! Your text is so sad but also empowering. Sometimes i saw some of your post but i have never follow you but one day i heard that you miss your husband. I was so shocked and I prayed for you that you find him. I looked for you every day. I hoped every day.I Followed you, because you was so strong in this darkest Time. I couldn‘t never do this. My respect. You are a really heartworm person. Your Blog is so good, i never known. Do not give up. Never ! Ps. Poppy is sooo cute. The photos are so beautiful, reassoring.
    Sorry for my bad englisch, my best wishes from Germany/ Hannover. Catharina

  4. You have such a beautiful soul Ashlee. I think of you and I think of Paul often. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through. I’m amazed by your strength and know that Poppy is so blessed to have you as a mother. So much love to the both of you❤️

  5. Beautiful words and beautiful pics. Prayers of strength during this difficult journey. I hope that every time you hold Miss Poppy Rae you see the ray of sunshine.

  6. Such a beautiful mother and daughter. Prayers with you during this difficult time 💕 I know god is watching out for your family. Wish there was something more I could do or say.

  7. One of my friends just lost her husband and unborn baby all in the span off a month. I know she needs time to heal and find herself and pick up the pieces like you said. Your story is inspiring to me that she will too be okay eventually. Thank you for sharing your story and being so brave.

  8. I think you have handled this tragedy with such grace.
    I’m glad Poppy looks so much like her daddy- he lives on in her that much more profoundly.

  9. I became a widow at a young age, was left with two little girls, (I’ve since remarried) but the way your describe your grief sounds exactly the way I described mine. Beautiful way of expressing it. God bless you and Poppy.

  10. It looks to me like you are the strongest, because you are an incredible mother still during this difficult time. You are a beautiful soul. Praying each step gets easier.

  11. Hi Ashlee, I followed some other Utah bloggers who mentioned your story over the summer on their blogs and that led me to yours. I lost my father when I was young, I was 7 so not as young as poppy, but it was unexpected and a shock to us as well. I just want you to know that you are doing such an amazing job with her, my mom is my ultimate hero, when my dad passed away my mom told me that day that her and me need to be a team, and we have been a great team ever since. You and Poppy are going to be an extraordinary team your whole lives. I am now a senior in college and I’ll be graduating in may, even though my mom and I were dealt less than ideal cards in life, I am so grateful for her and everything she does for me. Seeing you care for Poppy is amazing and just know that she is going to have to much respect, honor and gratitude towards you. Although I wasn’t as young as Poppy, I do see a lot of similarities in our stories, and it gets so easier and every milestone that happens is hard, but it’s also so rewarding because you know you did it. My mom and I are so sad that my dad won’t be here for my college graduation, but we KNOW he’s looking down on us and we made it because we’re a team. I pray for you and Poppy, and I hope you guys have a blessed Christmas season!!!

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